Starbucks Declares Jihad on Somnolence, Normal Heart Rhythms

Posted on January 17, 2011

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There’s finally something more dangerous about walking into an Arizona Starbucks than their indifference about selling caffeine and sugar to gun-toting patrons.

While the original test marketing began about a year ago, Starbucks has announced it will debut it’s new, 31-ounce Trenta size.  It will be available in select states (mostly in the South), beginning tomorrow, California in February, and in all U.S. locations by May 3rd of this year.

The capacity of a Trenta is just about twice that of an adult bladder.  No person need a 31 ounce coffee coffee-themed beverage – especially since you can’t finish one before passing another Starbucks.

 

Starbucks Trenta

I hope my order includes a Foley catheter.

This is just enough to inspire me to go on an awkward public tirade, a la Paul Rudd (trenta is Italian for “thirty,” not “thirty one”).  Deploying this ostentatious vessel in the South is even more diabolical – the Stroke Belt is about to get a whole lot.. strokier.

The only thing I can do to combat this evil is frequent more Starbucks locations and order my drinks in this size with the hope that it will allow me to continue to use their electricity and wireless internet for a longer duration and eventually bankrupt the corporation.  I encourage other medical students, “artists,” and the unemployed to do the same.

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Posted in: Health, Humor, Nutrition